Last meeting we talked about OCPD & Judgments and for this week OCPD & Expectations feels like a natural continuation of that discussion. Much of judgment is about evaluating the outcome of experiences and deciding whether or not they we find them to be good, bad, or neutral. One factor that strongly influences if we label an experience as bad is whether or not it aligns with our expectation on how things would go. Expectations can form almost effortlessly as our subconscious analyzes patterns from our personal history in order to predict possible outcomes. The problem, if we’re not mindful, is that we forget these are merely predictions (educated guesses), not guarantees.
ex·pec·ta·tion
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
“reality had not lived up to expectations”Similar:
supposition, assumption, belief, presupposition, presumption, conjecture, surmise, reckoning, calculation, prediction, forecast, projection, assurance, confidence, trust, anticipation, expectancy, eagerness, hope, hopefulness, excitement, suspense
When the rigidity of OCPD creeps in, it can be hard to access the cognitive flexibility required to navigate deviations from expectations gracefully. We might feel overwhelmed with shock, painful disappointment, or even paralyzing fear from the uncertainty. If we don’t feel like we’re capable of managing these emotions it can further push us towards a habit of anxiety-fueled hypervigilance in an attempt to anticipate every possible outcome and, ultimately, feel secure.
https://www.verywellmind.com/expectation-vs-reality-trap-4570968
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap
Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen.
Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:
- Anticipating a certain outcome
- Holding a vision in your mind of how things will play out
- Having a set idea of what you want or need from a situation
When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even anger.
In some cases, people might become so attached to their expectations that they are unable to see the reality of a situation. This can prevent them from taking action or making decisions that would be in their best interest.
ChatGBT: “explain to me what it means to have expectations”
Having expectations means holding certain beliefs or assumptions about how things should happen, how people should behave, or how situations will unfold. Expectations are like mental predictions or standards we set based on our desires, past experiences, cultural norms, and personal beliefs. They can apply to almost any area of life, from personal goals and relationships to work and everyday situations.
Examples of Expectations
- Self-Expectations: These are the standards you set for yourself. For instance, you might expect yourself to get all your tasks done perfectly every day or to never make mistakes.
- Expectations of Others: These involve beliefs about how other people should behave. For example, you might expect a friend to always be on time, or a partner to understand your needs without you having to express them.
- Situational Expectations: These are assumptions about how events or circumstances should turn out. For example, expecting that a meeting will go smoothly or that your plans for a day off will be perfect.
Why Expectations Matter
Expectations play a big role in shaping our experiences and emotions. When reality meets or exceeds our expectations, we often feel satisfied, happy, or even pleasantly surprised. However, when things don’t go as expected, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, or stress.
For instance, if you expect your work project to go perfectly but encounter obstacles, you may feel disheartened because your expectations were not met. Similarly, if you expect others to behave a certain way and they don’t, it can cause conflicts or resentment.
Balancing Expectations
Having expectations is normal, but it’s important to keep them realistic and flexible. By managing our expectations, we can reduce stress, improve relationships, and cultivate a more balanced and positive outlook on life.
Time and time again, the practical advice seems to underline the importance of “maintaining realistic and flexible goals”. Said another way, I wonder if OCPD isn’t just the natural, long-term consequence of an inability to set realistic and flexible goals.
https://www.verywellmind.com/expectation-vs-reality-trap-4570968
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap: How to Manage Expectations
Learning how to manage your expectation can be helpful when you are trying to avoid the expectations vs. reality trap. It’s important to take a deeper look into how your expectations stack up to reality (and how your mood is affected because of this).
Become Aware of Your Expectations
Start by assessing your expectations in a situation. If you’d like to get out of the expectations vs. reality trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what you are expecting is a great start. Becoming aware of what you “should” be expecting is also a wise idea.
- When you go into a new situation, ask yourself what you expect to happen.
- Ask yourself if your expectations should be this way. Where did these expectations come from and are they realistic?
- When you feel disappointed, try to think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. (If so, make a plan for getting what you want next time. If not, think about how you could manage your expectations.)
Practice Gratitude
When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn’t initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have.
Spend a few moments each day thinking about something you are grateful for. Or consider writing in a gratitude journal.
Don’t Make Comparisons
When you see others’ posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It’s great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don’t forget that what you see isn’t necessarily what others are actually living.
Consider What Really Makes You Happy
You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting.
Truly savor what you have. It’s okay to want more, but you can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what you already have. Savoring what you have is a great way to expand the joy you experience in life.
Practice Emotional Acceptance
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are.
However, try comparing yourself to others who have less, not more. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person you should be competing with is you.
Reflection Questions
- How often are my expectations realistic or achievable?
- Am I setting these expectations based on what I truly want or based on what I think others want from me?
- What assumptions am I making about this situation or person?
- What is the impact of my expectations on my well-being and relationships?
- How do I feel when my expectations are not met?
- How would I feel if I lowered or adjusted this expectation?
- How flexible am I willing to be if things don’t go as expected?
- What past experiences are influencing my current expectations?
- How can I communicate my expectations clearly to others?
![[Zoom Meeting] OCPD & Disgust 🤢](https://www.youmeandocpd.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/2023-12-14-OCPD-Disgust-1024x536.jpg)
![[Zoom Meeting] Reflecting on the Year 2023 📝🔍](https://www.youmeandocpd.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/2023-12-28-OCPD-Reflecting-on-the-Year-1024x536.jpg)
I judged our last Zoom chat to be fantastic. I expect this one to be fantastic too. 🙂
I’ve learned to expect all social interactions to be at least slightly awkward and to accept it rather than panicking, shutting down or being judgmental when a situation is difficult…very helpful.
Doing OCPD ‘experiments’ for a year has helped me have higher expectations for myself about the emotions and social situations I can handle. In other areas–like work–I’ve lowered my expectations to be more realistic.
I have higher expectations for others in believing that they are trustworthy because of the connections I’ve made in our group.
Reading Trosclair and Mallinger’s work helped me see how my expectations were self-sabotaging.