This session’s discussion topic is all about the process of making and receiving meaningful, genuine amends in response to hurt experienced in relationships. Without a holistic model to reference, I still recall how painful, lacking, and unhealthy the “apologies” I received and issued during my childhood were. My authoritarian father (likely undiagnosed OCPD) would enforce these ineffective apologies almost as a form of punishment upon whichever party he deemed the guilty perpetrator. They lacked genuine remorse, didn’t acknowledge the emotional impact, or touch on any changes to future behavior. Sadly, it wasn’t until decades later that I finally started hearing about more comprehensive apologies that sought to address the root issue: repairing the break in trust and security of the relationship.
Whenever I find myself facing the emotionally difficult process of having to apologize, I take solace in the visual metaphor of Kintsugi (“golden repair”), a process where broken pottery cracks are repaired with a golden finish (see header image). For me, this approach represents a commitment to repair fractures in a way that leaves them looking better and feeling stronger than before. Likewise, when done comprehensively and sincerely, making amends has the potential to lead to a relationship that is even stronger on the other side of fracture and repair.
As someone with OCPD, realizing there can be more than just one step/factor involved in an apologize was simultaneously enlightening and overwhelming. With years of practice implementing these steps under my belt, I’m now grateful for the clarity these roadmaps/outlines offer. I can also see where I still get hung up and struggle with various aspects of apologizing or why they feel deficient when I’m on the receiving end. Hopefully these suggestions provide insight and lead to healthy repairs for you as well!
Below, I’ve assembled a few different abridged articles that cover this process. If you have the time, be sure to click on each link to read the full articles!
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
The Art of A Heartfelt Apology
Not sure if you should apologize?
Even if you don’t think what you said or did was so bad, or believe that the other person is actually in the wrong, it’s still important to apologize when you’ve hurt or angered someone. “To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person’s experience,” says Dr. Ronald Siegel, assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. That ability is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, which underlies healthy, productive relationships of all types.
How to apologize genuinely
For an apology to be effective, it has to be genuine. A successful apology validates that the other person felt offended, and acknowledges responsibility (you accept that your actions caused the other person pain). You want to convey that you truly feel sorry and care about the person who was hurt, and promise to make amends, including by taking steps to avoid similar mishaps going forward as in the examples below.
According to the late psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Lazare, an apology expert and former chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, a good apology has four elements:
- Acknowledge the offense. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a physical or psychological harm, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.
- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.
- Express remorse. If you regret the error or feel ashamed or humiliated, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.
- Offer to make amends. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offense has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
The Power Of An Apology: For The Receiver And The Giver
The power of an apology can be seen in both the receiver and the giver – it can help a person feel better about themselves while giving them closure.
To the receiver, an apology is often a way of saying “I care about you” or giving them back some dignity. It’s a gesture that says, “I see you”. And it’s powerful because it reflects how much we know that pain can run deep.
- Step 1: Be Sincere And Honest In Your Apology
- Step 2: Express Regret And Remorse In Your Apology
- Step 3: Offer An Explanation For Your Behavior, But Not An Excuse
- Step 4: Agree To Make Changes In The Future
- Step 5: Request Forgiveness From The Other Person
https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-make-a-sincere-apology
How to Be Sincere in an Apology
How to apologize
- 1. Decide on your apology delivery
- 2. Be specific in your apology
- 3. Take full responsibility
- 4. Avoid conditional language
- 5. Use body language
- 6. Listen and validate
- 7. Offer to make amends
- 8. Show consistency in change
Takeaway
Apologies are often necessary when you’re responsible for causing someone harm. They’re a way to demonstrate your regret and your desire to rebuild trust in a relationship.
“In the world of human connections and emotional well-being, a genuine apology is a profound and healing act,” Delgado-Salas states. “It embodies self-awareness, empathy, and the commitment to change, making it an invaluable skill in navigating the complex tapestry of our lives.”
What makes a sincere apology is the presence of genuine remorse. Without that, even the best-delivered apology may not bring you forgiveness.
Reflection Questions
Regarding the various elements or steps of an apology:
- Which ones seem new, foreign, or unimportant to you after reading the articles?
- Which ones have you focused on in the past?
- Which ones feel most difficult or scary to perform?
- Which ones do you appreciate and need most from someone who is attempting to make repair?
- Which relationships do you find it easier or more difficult to apologize in? Why might that be?
- What’s one step that you’d like to include in your next apology?
- Are there any aspects, that weren’t addressed in the articles, that still feel like they prevent you from initiating an apology?
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