In my experience, the whole concept of reconciling my personality disorder diagnosis with the goal of self-acceptance truly felt like one of life’s greatest paradoxes. How do we accept and love ourselves fully when it feels like there is still something inherently, significantly wrong with us? Won’t accepting myself mean that I no longer believe I need or want to change? Is self-acceptance and love contingent on some sort of prerequisite of healing?
My journey of trying to dismantle my crippling Imposter Syndrome and Perfectionism led me directly to the root issue, the core of my lifelong struggle really centered around self-acceptance. I spend so much time suffering, in part, because I wasn’t able to accept my imperfect, whole self. One of the most helpful precursors to self-acceptance has been reading books about self-compassion and changing my negative self-talk. It’s so strange to believe that others deserve being spoken to and treated with kindness and compassion but somehow we’re only motivated by or deserving of self-criticism and shame. Slowly learning how to shift that internal voice toward compassion and acceptance has been the most freeing undertaking I’ve ever pursued.
Below are a quick collection of snippets from various articles and resources that can provide a general overview for self-acceptance.
What Happens When You Don’t Accept Yourself
On the other hand, Harvard Medical School notes that lack of self-acceptance can be harmful to your health and your psychological well-being. In fact, a 2014 study found that having low self-esteem and a negative view of oneself was linked to lower levels of gray matter in parts of the brain that regulate emotions and manage stress. This can increase oneās risk of emotional disorders and stress-related health conditions. As a result, lack of self-acceptance can lead to:
- Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Low self-confidence and a fear of failure
- Avoidance of people or situations that trigger negative feelings
- Relationship issues due to a lack of firm boundaries
- Self-hatred and a tendency to engage in negative self-talk (āWhy did I think I could do this? Iām not good at anythingāothers are much better than I amā)
“Atlas of the Heart” by Brene Brown
(Here’s an excerpt in the section on acceptance that reveals how crucial self-acceptance is as the foundation.)
True belonging doesnāt require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
Our yearning for belonging is so hardwired that we often try to acquire it by any means possible, including trying to fit in and hustling for approval and acceptance. Not only are these efforts hollow substitutes for belonging, but they are the greatest barriers to belonging. When we work to fit in and be accepted, our ābelongingā is tenuous. If we do or say something thatās true to who we are but outside the expectations or rules of the group, we risk everything. If people donāt really know who we are and what we believe or think, thereās no true belonging.
Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
We can never truly belong if we are betraying ourselves, our ideals, or our values in the process. That is why itās a mistake to think that belonging is passive and simply about joining or āgoing alongā with others. Itās not. Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. When we sacrifice who we are, we not only feel separate from others, but we even feel disconnected from ourselves.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/ways-to-accept-yourself#how-to-accept-yourself
How to accept yourself
- Forgive yourself
- Practice self-compassion
- Use present moment awareness and mindfulness
- Acknowledge and love your abilities
- Ignore your inner critic
- Connect with loved ones who appreciate you
- Move on from disappointments
- Gain perspective on your limitations
(Be sure to read the full article for more in-depth explanations of these steps.)
And finally, let’s not forget to highlight all the wonderful aspects of what self-acceptance.
Characteristics of Self-Acceptance
According to Dr. Marcum, these are some of the characteristics of self-acceptance:
- Being able to see yourself fairly accurately and recognize what you are and arenāt good at
- Embracing all the parts of yourselfāeven the negative onesāand being happy with who you are
- Accepting yourĀ values, preferences, resources, feelings, intuitions, and actionsāboth past and present
- Recognizing your strengths and accomplishments without being overly vain about them
- Learning to acknowledge your weaknesses and faults without beating yourself up over them or engaging in overly excessiveĀ negative self-talk
- Having a positive attitude toward yourself and holding yourself in high regard, without the need for othersā approval
- Seeing yourself as a whole human being, rather than defining yourself by any one characteristic, incident, ability, or weakness
- Being able to love and respect yourself
![[Zoom Meeting] OCPD & Disgust š¤¢](https://www.youmeandocpd.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/2023-12-14-OCPD-Disgust-1024x536.jpg)
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Negative self talk colored by OCPD traits makes self-acceptance so difficult. We’ve talked about ‘putting ourselves on trial’ for every perceived mistake. Yesterday, I was musing, ‘What if I could see all the thoughts I had during the course of the day before I went to bed?’ I was imagining a written record (like the chat feature on Zoom). During the hardest times in my life, I would have been shocked to read what I said to myself all day long.
Brene’s insights about belonging remind me of the Buddhist group I lived with for two summers when I was 21 and 22 (that I jokingly refer to as ‘Scientology: Extra Light’)…”If we do or say something thatās true to who we are but outside the expectations or rules of the group, we risk everything.” I’m a observant, curious person; I kept many questions and concerns to myself in that group.
The community that you and Greg have worked so hard to lead over the years is amazing…it is no small talk to create a safe space for a diverse group of people to show their authentic selves.
Correction: “it is no small task to create a safe space…”